I stare one too many times at the guy across from me in the aisle….for all I see is you. Although the two of you look nothing alike yet only the image of your face is in my mind. His mouth is slightly open and his lips quiver every so often as he sleeps. I look at his lips and all i see is your mouth. I stared at his eyes when they were alive and awake and all i saw was your gaze.
I look out the window and see the clouds drapped across the sky like snow. It’s so beautiful, so white, yet I feel nothing but gray…..
Gray…stuck in the middle of black and white, not knowing where it stands, what category its in…I constantly feel up and down when it comes to you.
My thoughts are scattered and run through my mind in an unorderly fashion. So many images, ideas and thoughts run through my head, none of them which have a beginning, nor and end. None of which are phrases or even sentences, just words. Images that are only half drawn, for my mind is trying to keep busy. With so many things going through it to simply destroy you…for you have burned memories, images and words so deep…my mind cannot even keep up with itself. Your like a disease. Like one without a cure that i need to control as long as im alive before it kills me, by taking medication.
I prescribe myself different medication depending on the day, week and month. Although you’ve spread all throughout me. Simply one dose is not enough to make things temporarily better.
My medication is over working myself and drinking excessively when accessable among other useless hobbies.
The minute when time stands still and the world is asleep, you are awake in memory. The second my mind tries to breathe and take a break from you, you hold it prisoner.
I don’t know why I feel like this, I dont want to, atleast i dont think i do. Maybe its partially realizing that the only way to hold on to you is by torturing myself constantly by thinking of what once was and asking the endless “what if’s” and “why”….questions you will never answer.
We barely see each other, and when we do its only because I know where to find you without looking desperate to only exchange a measly “hello” and “how are ya..” And depending on how long im able to hold out…a “how have things been going..” As if your even so concerned not having seen me in quite some time. Like your fingers were numb every time you scrolled through your phone book and passed my name.
You make me feel like a kid again, trying to find any excuse to call you to hear your voice now that we are not together. But i guess that is the replacement of when you used to make me feel like a woman when we were together.
My train of thought was broken by the single serving, reheated tv dinners that were being handed out by men and woman in uniform who spoke in tongues I could not understand.
I order red wine, not like it would do much. Hopelessly imagining that it would slow my thoughts a bit and redirect them in a direction away from you…..I glanced at him again. He is now wide a wake and when asked, “chicken or fish?” gets nothing at all…but a coke.
I look at his hands which are now fumbling with his seat belt,and I see a ring on his finger, A fashionable ring…and nothing more. He’s young, his hands look clammy, but I cant really tell. All i can tell is that they are the hands of a boy who hasnt even gripped onto life yet, or even experienced it. The hands of a boy, not yet a man…still innocent.
I think of your hands…the same, boyish and soft with a ring around your finger…I get angry for now actually finding a slight similarity. He’s not looking at me, not even glanced in my direction, yet i know he has seen me. he pays no attention at all. this upsets me even more. I fucking hate this…i feel such anger towards this fucking stranger. I dont even know the sound and scent of his breath when it escapes his lips, or what lies beneath his eyes or his fucking name for that matter. But i hate him. he doesnt resemble you the slightest bit, but i still see you, and i fucking hate him.
So much i want to get out of my seat and yell and make a fuss and fucking slap him for not paying a fucking mind. He’s just a stranger….a stranger, N-O-T Y-O-U!! Nor will EVER be you.
I barely ate, I can feel the anxiety of just wanting to go home in my stomach. I had made plans to find you again when i got back before i had ever even left. So anxious…like i was fucking coming home to you or some shit, but in a sense, i guess i was. Ugh….i let out a deep breath. My eyes suddenly feel heavy.I think my cheap “conforalles 2005” wine has tired me some. Ill try to rest…even though thats nearly impossible.
As a matter of fact trying to rest and clear my head is probably the worst thing i can do. But i need to close my eyes. I cant stand to look at this poor innocent kid anymore with such deep hatred and my eyes full of anger buring holes into him. they are my OWN problems….hes just a stranger…Stanger….i keep repeating it to myself…Its not his fault….nothing but a stranger…i drift off….but YOU remained..